


"Friends, Family and San Francisco" [MSTing]

by MSTerMegane67



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: MST, MST3k-Style Riffing, MSTing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MSTerMegane67/pseuds/MSTerMegane67
Summary: This fanfic features Sailor Moon as conceptualized by the writers of "My So-Called Life". Raye is taken away from Japan due to a custody issue and does everything she can short of serial arson to get away. There's beauty pageants, little brothers, parental abuse... and what angst 'fic wouldn't be complete with a touch of teenage pregnancy to boot?





	1. Chapter 1

Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 205, reel 1:

"Friends, Family, and San Francisco"  
(A Sailor Moon fanfic)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7

==

Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property  
of and (c) 2017 by Best Brains, Inc. 

Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors  
of her work.

"Friends, Family, and San Francisco" is the property of Laura-Grace.  
I hope that both the author and the readers enjoy this work.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their  
respective owners and creators.

Comments are welcomed at zoogz@yahoo.com

==

\---Satellite of Love

Joel Robinson walked through the Satellite of Love bridge. Before  
he was able to get to the other end, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo both  
accosted him.

"Sir! I am writing the Unauthorized Nearly Complete Biography of  
Joel Robinson and I need some comments on him from you please!" Crow  
yelled at Joel.

Joel chuckled. "What is there to tell you, Crow, you've been with  
me now for six years. You should know me by now."

"But sir!" Crow pleaded. "We need to know the private lives and  
loves of Joel Robinson! Where is the unrequited pining? Who is the  
one that holds Joel's heart? Where will he be able to find validation  
in the unrelenting cosmos?"

"Calm down, Crow," Joel replied. "My only goals are to survive all  
the fanfiction the Mads can throw at us and my secret is great friends  
like you two and Mike." He then looked puzzledly at Tom. "What's  
Servo doing, Crow?"

"Then Joel quieted, his explanation of actualization complete. With  
that, he breathes in... then out... his eyes flashing an untypical  
amount of fervor and... dare I say... respect for the poor souls that  
share his unrelenting labors..." Tom dictated into his tape recorder.

"He's got a biography too," Crow explained. "But there has to be  
more to the story, Joel! There's always a hidden side here!"

"Crow, I'm not complex. This isn't real life, you should just  
relax," Joel protested.

"And as his rebuke to his small comrade fades from the air, Joel  
returns to digesting the peanut butter and jelly sandwich from lunch  
three hours ago. One small eyelash dislodges and falls upon his  
cheek, barely perceptible..." Tom drones.

"Fine then. If a biography isn't warranted, then we'll go with a  
good old-fashioned muckraking expose! ILLEGAL ROBOT LABOR! CRUEL  
CONDITIONS! LACK OF UNION ORGANIZING! This whole operation is going  
DOWN, Robinson!" Crow retreated to the desk where his own tape recorder was  
still running.

"Taken aback by the harangue, Joel Robinson's face expresses shock  
and resignation. The truth and weight of this whole sordid situation  
has turned Joel into a mere shell of a man who still hasn't taken care  
of that stray eyelash..." Tom continued to dictate.

Crow took up the narration. "Taken from an anonymous letter that  
must have had the good luck and grace to escape this hellhole... "The  
conditions are happy. I am being well-fed. They are treating me with  
kindness and respect." And at the BOTTOM of this letter is the symbol  
of the crossed fingers, meaning that EVERYTHING contained above is to  
be REVERSED... probably due to Robinson's obsessive control of thought  
and his megalomania in thinking that no one could POSSIBLY object to  
such paradise..."

"And as the lights flash upon the counter, Joel registers his  
contempt of the truth as well as his utter disregard for authority as  
he says, 'Can it Kitty Kelly, the Headshrinkers are on line 1,'  
breathing in... then out... then in, as he greets Michael J. Nelson,  
just arriving to the bridge..."

 

\---Deep 13

In Deep Thirteen was a table with two chairs and a display rack. At  
one of the chairs was T.V.'s Frank, and the other chair held a guy  
dressed remarkably like James Lipton, but with green glasses. In the  
middle of the table was Frank's prized "Mod Squad" mint condition  
lunchbox.

"And so you say that this piece is a terrific example of the design  
of the mid-Seventies' focus on utilization?" Frank asked.

"Well, it's definitely pop-culture. I might give you... $1.50 for  
it on the spot," the man said.

"Why, I oughtta..." Frank stammered.

At that point, Dr. F took off the wig and stood up from the table.  
"And with that, another episode of 'Attic Crap Road Show' comes to an  
end. But boobies, the lucre hasn't even started to flow!"

Frank stood up and said, "You might be saying to yourself, 'My stuff  
is SO valuable! The selling guide said so and if you can't trust a  
bunch of people who could be putting totally random numbers in a book,  
who can you trust?!'"

"And of course," Dr. F added, "the poor viewers were completely  
ripped off. Where are the idiot collectors who actually think that  
someone would actually pay good money for little better than ugly  
garbage? Where are the large wastes of cash I'm accustomed to seeing?  
Well, we have the answer for EVERYONE..."

Frank stood up from his chair and headed offscreen, coming back with  
a shiny case where inside was a bottle marked "Nostalgia Number Five".  
The bottle had an atomizer at the top much like an old-style perfume  
decanter.

"One whiff of this stuff," Dr. F continued as he took the bottle  
from the case, "will turn any haughty collector into a giggling  
schoolkid over whatever garbage you present to them. This stuff will  
make those unopened Swanson TV Dinners from the 50s smell more like  
$1500 than rotten meat. Your old non-working Teddy Ruxpin will become  
much less Grubby. Hell, it can even get your grandma a date if  
applied in the right setting."

Frank piped up, "And for those online and television auctions...  
Nostalgia provides the correct sparkle to any camera angle you can  
possibly take pictures from." He sprayed a bit on the Mod Squad lunch  
box and stepped aside. "Say 'cheese', this one's for Ebay!"

"I have credit cards...." Crow spoke in a monotone

"Please let me trade my classic baseball cards for it" Tom copied.

"But what if everyone gets a hold of this stuff, Dr. F?" Mike asked.

 

"Don't worry, Frank has the antidote to this garbage... thankfully,  
it's available to ingest." Dr. F opened the lunchbox to take out a  
small box of cereal. On the box was marked "Kellogg's Sugar-Frosted  
Sense of Proportion".

Frank breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank heaven, Dr. F, I was just  
about to kill you to get my lunchbox back!"

Dr. F glanced at Frank rather askance before turning his attention  
back to the video pickup. "And you, Jim and Brian Henson?"

 

"Well sirs, our invention is more of a concept this week," Mike  
began.

Joel reached below the desk to bring up a set of cards that he  
placed upon the desk. The first card flipped up to show Ed Grimley in  
his 80's animated glory.

"We get communications satellite broadcasts up here all the time.  
Sadly, television nowadays so closely resembles what we read on a  
constant basis that we don't know which we like better at this  
point." Mike pointed to the card. "Of course, there are occasional  
exceptions. Such as this funny fellow... Martin Short."

Joel's next card showed a picture of Martin Short behind bars. Joel  
continued, "On one prime-time show recently, Martin Short stepped way  
out of typecast to play a pedophile killer who could read faces. This  
performance spurred us to think about how nice it would have been for  
him to have snapped and killed many members of the main cast of this  
particular show."

Tom spoke up, "Just think... in one fell swoop we would have been  
treated to a major coup... a good actor becoming even better and then  
giving us the opportunity to give actors who deserve more screentime a  
bigger chance... but why stop there?"

Joel's next card read, "Guest-starring... Martin Short!"

"This could be a phenomenon!" Crow piped. "Martin Short can break  
completely from his 'Clifford'-stained past to become the premiere  
serial killer in primetime! All the networks can share him and the  
four main networks can bring him in once during every sweeps period  
and then once a month following. A network could announce what show  
he will be on and maximize the ratings through the week. Or they  
could keep the information secret and people can wonder when he will  
pop up! And then bloated shows can have good ratings as they bring in  
fresh blood...."

Joel's next few cards show pictures of television show casts. One  
had David Schwimmer crossed out of the "Friends" cast picture...  
another had Ryan crossed off of the "OC" picture... and his last card  
showed five of seven "Real World" pictures completely scribbled  
through.

"We could be on to a major movement, sirs... what do you think?"  
Joel inquired.

 

"Deliciously evil, Joel. Television could always use more  
glamorization of murder and death," Dr. F gloated. He cleared his  
throat and continued, "We attempted to spray 'Nostalgia' all over this  
fanfic though and there was no selling it even for two bits. It's  
called 'Friends, Family, and San Francisco'... but the only nostalgia  
you'll be getting is from the series that it isn't."

"Mace 'em till it burns, Frank," Dr. F instructed Frank.

 

"And 'Everybody Loves Raymond'?" Tom asked.

Mike replied, "The whole thing needed a Martin Shorting."

The lights flashed and the sirens blared as Joel dropped all the  
cards on the desk. "Later, we have FIC SIGN!!"

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps  
you inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the  
fourth seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that  
was Joel, and Crow sat in the far right seat.)

 

>Friends, Family and San Francisco

Crow: So we're in for saccharine situations, three "aww's" an episode  
and a lesson every half hour?  
Tom: As a wise philosopher once said, "You got it dude."

 

>When Grampa dies, Raye's long-lost father returns to Japan, only to  
>yank her away from her friends and everything she has ever known. 

Mike: In other words, in Grandpa's absence, Raye becomes an abscess.  
Joel: [Raye's Dad] It's calling Sliding, you'll love it!

 

>Upon arrival in America, Raye discovers a completely different life  
>than what she is used to.

Tom: [Raye] What's with all the blue and pink pegs? And why am I  
getting married again?

 

>Lonely and homesick, Raye tries desperately to find a way back home.

Mike and Tom: (singing) We're off on the road to Rhode Islannnd...!

 

>A/N: it's been done before, I know. One of my fave stories is on this  
>subject.

Mike: [Author] It's called "Snoopy, Come Home".

 

>Actually, for right now, all I can say is thank goodness for baby name  
>books with Japanese names included.  
>  
>DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything or anyone except Aiko, Nori, Kimi,  
>Ringo, Toshihiro, Samuru (Samuel), Annette, Alexander and Jeremy.

Joel: Mouseketeer roll call!  
Tom: You have one-fourth of the Beatles?  
Crow: Nope, too late, Michael Jackson owns that too.

 

>Chapter 1:: Departure

Tom: Good. This already has a better plot than "The Terminal".

 

> It was a beautiful warm afternoon on August 2nd, 2001,  
>when Taro Yakira died.

Mike: The sun then kicked itself for being so insensitive.

 

> The doctors said it was a heart attack, but to Taro's  
>two daughters, Aiko and Nori, and his three grandchildren, this didn't  
>help to relieve any grief.

Crow: [Doctor] Phew, they bought it. Dammit, Ned, get your watch out  
of him immediately!

 

> Especially for 16-year-old Raye, since Grampa had died  
>on the day of her 16th birthday.  
> Raye, overcome with grief, was quickly surrounded by  
>her four supportive and sympathetic friends, even Amy, who had her own  
>problems to deal with. 

Joel: [Amy] Yeah, I'll just put the Anti-Life Equation on hold because  
RAYE needs a HUG.  
Crow: Gallant offers a card of condolences and a tasteful bouquet.  
Serena says "s'okay" on her way to diving in her friend's comic book  
collection.

 

>That night, Raye's aunts gave her permission to stay over at Lita's  
>apartment. All five girls were there, with offers of shoulders to cry  
>on.

Tom: This is "Sisters" but without all that distracting plot piffle.  
Mike: Yep, we'll cut STRAIGHT to the crying!

 

> The next morning, Raye's Aunt Aiko picked her up and  
>took her back to the temple, where Chad was sweeping dejectedly. Nori  
>and her husband Yukio were already there, with Raye's two little  
>cousins Ringo, who was 6 and Toshihiro, who was 2.

Crow: [Ringo] I've got an 'ole in me 'eart...  
Mike: Remember these names for they will be immensely important in the  
storyline... oh, who are we kidding? Blank 'em out!

 

> As the morbid plans began for Taro's funeral, Chad  
>interrupted only once, to say that a man was waiting outside to speak  
>to one of them.  
>  
> Aiko frowned and left with Chad.

Crow: The funeral home combined "open casket" with "free buffet". 

 

> "Good afternoon, Aiko," the tall man greeted Aiko,  
>apparently taking no notice of Raye, who was hidden in the shadows of  
>the temple, watching.

Tom: Today's a bad day to talk about extra health insurance, Skippy.

 

> "Konnichi'wa, Samuru." Aiko answered, surprised. "You  
>weren't supposed to come until later this week!"

Joel: [Samuru] I was hired to make a birthday girl HAPPY with my  
CLOWNING! Now get her soon-to-be-entertained ass over here NOW!

 

> "Actually, I go by Samuel Winslow now," Samuru said  
>crisply. "I had business to attend to in Japan so I thought I would  
>come and collect Rachel before I leave for San Francisco tomorrow."

Mike: [Samuru] My job, my way.

 

> "It's Raye,"  
>  
> Aiko and Samuel both jumped at the sound of Raye's  
>voice as she emerged from the shadows into the sunlight. "Oh, Raye!"  
>Aiko exclaimed. "Don't do that to me!"

Joel: [Aiko] Dammit girl! Heart attacks run in the family! Remember?!

 

> "So what was this about collecting me?" Raye addressed  
>Aiko, pointedly ignoring Samuel.

Crow: Well, healthy girls with the kind of hair she has can fetch up  
to $1500 in the open market...

 

> Aiko dragged her foot in the dirt guiltily. "I was  
>going to tell you tomorrow, because Samuru wasn't supposed to arrive  
>until Sunday."  
>  
> "Samuel. And what in the world are you wearing,  
>Rachel?"

Tom: [Raye] My Sailor Mars shirt! She's really neat!

 

> "My robes. Now, what were you going to tell me?" Raye  
>asked again, slowly.  
> "Well," Aiko began hesitantly.

Joel: [Aiko] Remember when I told you that you weren't adopted? Well,  
substitute 'weren't' with 'were' and you see where this is going....

 

> "When Taro died, custody of you fell to me." Samuel  
>cut in. "You'd better go pack, because we leave tomorrow morning."  
>  
> "Whoa, back up a couple steps here," Raye snapped. 

Tom: They're clearly coming together 'cause opposites attract.

 

>"I have never met you before in my life, I don't even know who the  
>heck you are, and suddenly I'm supposed to go live with you? I don't  
>think so."

Mike: [Raye] I heard nasty rumors about the neighbors you've got  
hanging around your place, Mr. Winslow...

 

> Aiko smiled grimly, more of a grimace than a grin.  
>"Excuse me for not introducing you. Raye, this is Samuru Wakaso, your  
>father."  
>  
> "Samuel Winslow."

Crow: [Raye] No. No. That's not true. *yawn*. That's impossible.  
Noooooo... okay, we done?

 

> "...and now I'm supposed to leave tomorrow!" Raye  
>ranted, her grief temporarily forgotten in the wake of her rage.  
>  
> Her outrage was mirrored on the faces of her friends.  
>"That's not right!" Lita exclaimed.

Tom: [Lita] Jump-cutting without even a warning? I'm outraged!!  
Joel: Cue sappy Peter, Paul, and Mary soundtrack...

 

> "How the heck does that work?" Mina agreed.

Joel: Well, you put the record in the player and put the needle on top  
of it.

 

> "I mean, the guy doesn't even live in Japan!" Serena  
>added. "Besides, isn't it like, illegal or something to take a kid out  
>of a country when there's still family in the country?"

Mike: [Lita] Call in the talking cat and the other talking cat, and the  
girl from the future, and then we'll get down to discussing logic.

 

> "Not quite," Amy responded, her hands still resting on  
>her gently swelling stomach, her eyes closed. "But I still don't see  
>why they would give custody to your father when he hasn't been around  
>for you at all."

Crow: Woody Allen's latest film in Japan was at least half successful.

 

> "No kidding," Raye groaned. "I mean, sure,  
>biologically the guy's my father, but in terms of actual parenting, he  
>sucks! It'd be much simpler if I would've just gone to live with Aunt  
>Aiko."

Mike: For someone dead set against it, she seems strangely resigned to  
the fact.  
Joel: [Raye] Stages one through four were a bit blurry, but stage five  
is great.

 

> "Raye," Amy's mother said, entering the bedroom. "Your  
>father's here."

Tom: We'd love to show you a scene of the scouts battling the evil Mr.  
Su-muru but we have no budget. At all. Deal with it.

 

> Raye made a disgusted face. "The guy calls himself my  
>father, he's got another thing coming..." she muttered as she left,  
>still seething.

Mike: Any other story, I'd be praising the mastermind who concocted  
this battle strategy...

 

> The next morning, the five friends were clustered  
>together, hugging and saying their last good-byes. Contrary to how she  
>had been last night, Raye seemed quite calm.

Joel: Valium works wonders.  
Mike: Especially with vodka.

 

> "Don't worry," she assured them. "Not even oceans can  
>keep Raye Yakira from Japan. I'll be back, you can count on that."

Crow: [Raye] After all, I'm in an airplane! What could go wrong?

 

> "Rachel!" Samuel called irritably before sweeping down  
>the tunnel to the plane.

Mike: [Raye] Hey, hey! I haven't even thrown the rock yet!  
Crow: [Raye] I've got bombs, all shapes and sizes! He does too!  
Arrest us! Keep us in jail in Japan for a LOOOONG time!!

 

> "Rachel?" Lita teased gently.  
>  
> "I wouldn't laugh if I was you, Lolita. 

Joel: [Lita] You wouldn't laugh if you slept with Jeremy Irons either.

 

>That was my milk name." Raye tossed back,

Tom: [Raye] Have you seen me?

 

>then sauntered leisurely towards the gate, clearly hoping she'd miss  
>the plane.

Mike: Then she figured, 'Casualties, schmazualties,' and firebombed it.  
Crow: [Raye] There's your landing lights, McClane.

 

> "Lolita?" she heard Serena asked incredulously from  
>behind her.

Joel: [Lita] Laugh it up, author... you never know when you'll get  
surges through your keyboard.....

 

> "Hey, don't blame me! It's my parents who chose the  
>name!"  
> Unfortunately, she didn't miss the plane. About  
>fifteen hours later, Raye found herself following Samuel off the  
>airplane into the bustling crowd of people in San Francisco,  
>California.

All: [in unison] PLEASE TAKE THIS FLOWER FROM THE CHURCH OF  
LUNAR CONSCIOUSNESS!  
Mike [Raye]: Can sahmeone direct me to de nuclear wessels?

 

> A tall, leggy, busty blonde came pushing through the  
>crowds, followed by two boys, one with dark hair and the other with  
>blond hair. 

Mike: This week in US Magazine! Jennifer Aniston cannot choose between  
Ben Affleck and Leonardo DiCaprio!

 

>"Samuel, dah-ling!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.

Joel: He must have a rather dis-arming presence.

 

> The older boy, the blonde one, rolled his eyes  
>theatrically. 

Crow: While Raye now wondered if she would be living in a leper colony.

 

>The younger, darker-haired boy was more involved with watching Raye to  
>notice.

Crow: [kid] Give me three days and I'll have five peepholes AND a live  
internet feed!

 

> "And this must be Rachel!" the blonde exclaimed.  
>  
> "Raye," Raye corrected her, rebellion in every  
>syllable.

Tom: And an insurrection in every delicious bite! It's new Castr-O's!  
Crow: Kids! Look for the cigar in every box!

 

> "But it's Rachel on your birth certificate," the woman  
>said confusedly.

Mike: That never stopped Meat Loaf.  
Crow: Or Jim Hellwig.

 

> "Rachel was my milk name." (A/N: maybe about now I  
>should explain what a milk name is. 

Joel: We know, we know, it's how Borden sells its products.

 

>From what I remember, in Japan, some parents gave their children a  
>'milk name'

Tom: Hey Homo! How're Skim and Goat doing?

 

>which was sort of a temporary name until they became old enough to  
>choose their own name. I believe that's what it is.) 

Crow: Well, this should stop such abuses as "Apple" and "Moon Unit".

 

>"My name is Raye."

Tom: With all this "milk name" nonsense, I hope to hell she doesn't  
give out her cereal number.

 

> "-chel." Samuel added testily. "We have no such  
>nonsense like milk names in America. You'll go by what's on your birth  
>certificate, and that is Rachel."  
> "Raye," she shot back.  
> "But Raye is such a masculine name," Blondie whined. 

Joel: [Blondie] That cab isn't exactly yellow, it's more of an ochre!  
This is closer to an off-white zone! Sammy, dearie, make the world  
conform!!

 

>"Rachel is much more pretty, much more feminine. It's a nice name for  
>pageants. They like Rachels. It's only a few months until the Miss  
>Teen San Francisco, that's enough time for me to get you prepared..."

Crow: If she runs into Sandra Bullock, I've got Jujubes to throw.  
Mike: So, um... where's the monsters they beat up every-so-often?  
Joel: Stuffing their bras in preparation.

 

> Raye glared at her, and whirled around to grab her  
>suitcase. "Actually, I would like to know who the heck you are before  
>you start organizing my life."  
> "Rachel,"  
>  
> "Raye,"

Mike: Good, I could use a thirty-minute meal right now.

 

> "This is Annette. Annette is my wife. Your stepmother.

Joel: She must've bleached her hair since those Beach Party movies.  
Mike: [Raye] Lovely, where's the oven?

 

>These are your brothers, Alexander and Jeremy. Alexander is 12 and  
>Jeremy is 7."

Crow: [Sam] I wanted to name them Lucifer and Damien... but my wife won the toss.

 

> Raye remained silent but shot daggers at Samuel.  
>He would leave Raye's 14-year-old mother the minute he found out she  
>was pregnant, but he would remain with Ms Queen of Ditz? 

Joel: [Alex] Hey Daddy, why do we have a sister we knew nothing about?  
Crow: [Sam] Well, there was this extremely hot middle-schooler....

 

>What's wrong with this picture?

Tom: Do we get three guesses before we consult the TLX Series 4  
Computer?

 

>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Mike: Too many ships, not enough Space Invaders.

 

>A/N: *sigh* well, I'd better go now. Review, will ya? For me?

Crow: Your own 'fic? Don't you remember what you wrote?  
Tom: First Grampa died, then Raye got shipped to the U.S. to live with  
Bob Evilguy. It's pretty cut-and-dried, really.

 

>Friends, Family and San Francisco

All: [singing] On a cold misty night  
On the corner of Haight  
She stood with a Colt .45...

 

>A/N: yay for ff.n!!! They have a dictionary now!!! Yay! And I KNOW I  
>changed the last names. I meant to. 

Mike: [Sam] Author! You will go by what's on their BIRTH CERTIFICATES!  
Do you hear me?!

 

>And I don't EVER want to catch you using some of the racial slurs I  
>will be using in this chapter.

Crow: [Author] And now, a quick word to my idiot reviewers...

 

>DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything except those mentioned in the  
>Disclaimer in Chapter 1.

Crow: I'm typing this in an open field, miles from civilization.  
Tom: Dear lord! *choke* The author's NUDE!

 

>Chapter 2:: America

Tom: Dare we say...?  
All: FUCK YEAH!

 

> "Alexander, sweetheart, hurry up and get your uniform  
>on," Annette called. "The chauffeur leaves in ten minutes. 

Crow: [Annette] And get that fake license we gave you in case the cops  
pull us over on the way, 'kay honey?

 

>Jeremy, do you have all your supplies, dear? 

Mike: Y'know, for drawing pictures of mountaintops? Lemon yellow sun?

 

>Rachel, what's keeping you?"

Joel: [Raye] Well, it sure as hell ain't LOVE, lady!

 

> "Raye," Raye answered stubbornly. "And why do I have  
>to go to this Broclip place any way?"

Tom: That's the street name. They really call it "Brother Clippers".  
Crow: Where all beauty pageant contestants get their hair sheared!

 

> "It's Briarcliffe, dear. Rachel, we couldn't send you  
>to Lowell," Annette answered disgustedly. "It's a public high school.  
>Imagine the scum you be surrounded with!"  
>  
>(A/N: no offense, any Lowell High students. 

Tom: [author] Only *I* am allowed to discriminate. I called it.

 

>I don't know what your school's like, I live nowhere near San  
>Francisco.)

Joel: [author] I live nowhere period, as previously stated.

 

> "Better scum than nose-permanently-stuck-up-in-the-air  
>idiots." Raye muttered, 

Mike: Get your scum at Club Scum! Participate in our "Fish Picker"  
singalongs and live immolation demonstrations!

 

>as she grabbed her bag and went out the door. "And it's Raye."  
>  
> It had already been a month since Samuel had taken  
>Raye from Japan, 

Joel: ...yet the police still had no leads.

 

>and she was no nearer to finding a way back than finding a cure for  
>AIDS. 

Joel: Raye! Just jump through the plot holes!  
Crow: Hey, wait... doesn't she, y'know, become one of those... uhh...  
Tom: Sailor chicks?  
Crow: Yeah! Sailor chicks! Can't she just hop a boat in disguise?

 

>This whole 'real family' junk was driving her insane. 

Joel: Especially since North won't shut the hell up.

 

>This was not a 'real family'. Real fathers don't just up and leave  
>their daughters before they're born and then return 16 years later to  
>reclaim them after their grandfathers die. 

Mike: [Raye] I'm more in the mood for a Mr. Lodge/Veronica-type  
relationship. Buy me a mall, Daddykins!

 

>Real stepmothers don't call their stepdaughters 'tomboyish devils'  
>and insist on them "actually doing something with your hair"  
>and to "wear skirts. It's more ladylike" and talk constantly about  
>entering their stepdaughters in superficial beauty pageants.

Crow [Raye]: Don't bother, I've got nude photos out there just waiting  
to surface.

 

> As Raye sat slumped in her desk, glaring  
>contumaciously (A/N: use the dictionary! Use the lovely new  
>dictionary, peeps!) 

Tom: [Raye] I have "angst" and "despair", but I'm just not feeling  
"contumacious". Maybe if you dab a bit of horseradish in my eyes?  
Mike: Could someone please look up "narrative integrity" while we're  
there?

 

>at the silent, impeccably dressed students and quietly dignified  
>teacher. 

Joel: Welcome to Conforming 212, taught by Mrs. Stepford.

 

>When the bell chimed softly, all the students stood up and started  
>singing 

All: I wore my coat, with golden li-ning/ Bright colors shi-ning,  
wonderful and new...!  
Mike [Raye]: Dear Lord...

 

>"The Star-Spangled Banner" after which, they pledged allegiance to  
>their stupid flag, Raye thought disgustedly, while remaining sitting  
>in her seat. 'It's a flag, for heavens' sake! It's a piece of fabric!  
>And not even a very good one at that. 

Tom [Raye]: What kinda lame-ass country has fruity stars on their  
flag!? Give me a red dot and I'll show you a freaking flag!

 

>Honestly, what kind of country puts stars and stripes on the same  
>flag? You shouldn't need to pledge allegiance to a FLAG! Your country,  
>maybe, not your flag. 

Mike: Dammit, symbols are for the symbol-minded!

 

>Your flag's not going to save your butt in a war.' 

Joel: But in peacetime, it can make a great towel AND toga!

 

>(A/N: before all you Americans start yelling about traitors, I am not  
>even American. 

Tom [Author] My nation is Petoria! The Leader was going to call it  
Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.

 

>I am Canadian, but not to, like, diss you or anything, 

Crow: Canada's national motto.

 

>I just don't see the point in pledging allegiance to a flag.)

Tom: However, it IS perfectly acceptable to pledge allegiance to the  
Maple Leafs.  
Mike: Though ultimately as pointless.

 

> "Melaney Aarons!"  
>  
> "Here!"  
>  
> "George Abraham!"  
>  
> "Here!"

Crow: The heck, are we naming each and every Canadian now?  
Mike: If we are it shouldn't take much longer.

 

> "Hannah Barnett!"  
>  
> "Here!"  
>  
> "Milagros Dion!"  
>  
> "Here!"

Joel: This is the scene they should use for the trailer.

 

> "Selena Granth!"  
>  
> For one wild moment, Raye thought she had said Serena  
>Grant and thought 

Tom: [Raye] Wow, that last name sounds NOTHING like Tsukino!

 

>'What in the world is Serena doing here?'

Crow: Staging a rescue, he said hopefully...

 

> "Here!"  
>  
> The teacher continued to call out names, and Raye  
>sort of zoned out. She was brought back to reality by somebody poking  
>her in the back with a pencil. 

Joel: [student, singing] Connect the dots, la la la....

 

>"Hey!" she snarled. "What was that for?!"  
>  
> "I said, Rachel Winslow." The teacher snapped,  
>already at her wits' end with this girl.

Joel: Tolerance is something that happens to other people.  
Tom: Someone needs a few less double-caramel apples with their  
espressos.

 

> "So? Not me." Raye shrugged.  
>  
> "You're the only one left in this class who hasn't  
>answered yet."

Mike: [Raye] That's an honor I'll be glad to hold on to.

 

> "My name is not Rachel Winslow."  
>  
> "Then you're in the wrong class."

Joel: [Teacher] Is this not your beautiful stapler? Is this not your  
beautiful chair?

 

> Raye snorted derisively. "If I had it my way, I  
>wouldn't even be in this country."

Tom: [Raye] I'd rather be in Canada! Pledging allegiance to a Leaf,  
eating poutine by the kilo and hammering the centers out of toonies  
while huffing Petrol Canada!

 

> "Okay, you're in the right class then. I was supposed  
>to have the Japanese girl in my class," the teacher sighed. 

Crow: [teacher] You're not going to go Super Saiyan on me, are you?

 

>"But it says Rachel Winslow on my register."

Mike: Next to Credit, Debit, and No Sale.

 

> "Of all the presumptuous things to do," Raye muttered  
>angrily. "It's not Rachel Winslow. It's Raye Yakira."  
>  
> "I'm sorry, Rachel," the teacher smiled, not sounding  
>sorry at all. 

Joel [teacher] It's out of my control, Fingal.

 

>"If it's not what's on your registration, it's not what I have to call  
>you. 

Tom [Teacher] And since I hold the registration, I'm gonna cross out  
"Rachel" and write "Big Poopy Head" in crayon! How's that strike you,  
Big Poopy Head Winslow?

 

>And tomorrow, you will stand with the rest of the class."

Mike: [Dennis] Hey Arvid, doesn't the new girl look like Maria?

 

>"OF ALL THE LOW-DOWN ROTTEN THINGS YOU  
>COULD'VE DONE TO ME, YOU HAD TO CHANGE MY NAME?"  
>Raye screamed at Samuel later that afternoon. 

Joel: [Samuel] What the hell's wrong with Slim Shady?  
Mike: [Raye] There's too many of them!

 

>"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! YOU'RE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH!"  
> "Rachel, it isn't right for a girl not to bear her  
>father's surname," Samuel said calmly. 

Crow: [Sam] Now go milk the cows and churn the butter. We need butter.

 

>"Frankly, I'm surprised Taro allowed you to carry his surname."

Tom: What girl wouldn't want to be called "Pantyhose"?

 

> "Raye." Raye muttered disgustedly. "And you have no  
>right to tell me what Grampa should've done. 

Mike: [Samuel] Well, he might've kept his millions if not for all those  
sexual harassment suits....

 

>He did what he believed was right and he was the greater man for it."

Joel: Well, gee, Sammy's only doing what he believes is right too.

 

> "Taro was no man." Samuel snarled. 

Tom: I always wondered why he never talked about his bris...

 

>"Any decent man would've sent his daughter away, or at least have had  
>her married off as soon as he learned she was-"

Mike: ...a mutant!

 

> SLAP! Samuel head rang with the sting of his  
>daughter's backhand. 

Tom: (singing) Ev'ry little thing she does is vi'-lent, ev'ry thing she  
does just makes me bruise...

 

>Anger and hatred soon overtook any surprise he had lingering and  
>before Raye knew what had happened, her arms were twisted behind her  
>back painfully and Samuel had kicked her fiercely in the stomach  
>numerous times. 

Crow: He's standing behind her and kicking up between her legs? Eww.

 

>He released her and stalked off in anger.  
>  
>Oy, that girl infuriated him! 

Tom: [Sam] She's such a verklempt meshuggeneh with too much chutzpah!

 

>The same non-conformist attitude as her sainted mother. 

Mike: Sainted Mother... Theresa?!  
Joel: Nope, Goose.

 

>If she wasn't careful she would find herself in deeper than she could  
>handle. Samuel would make sure of that. 

Mike: Youmas are made to be fried... but daddies are forever!

 

>He had a good life here in America and no self-proclaimed True-  
>Japanese teenage girl was going to jeopardize that.

Tom: Oh, come on. Any businessman with the brains of an alligator gar  
would just parade her at functions, claiming racial harmony and  
upright community service.

 

>December, Tokyo

Tom: Sam at this point had taken to caving in Raye's ribs and  
attempting to sever her spinal cord...  
Crow: [Raye, singing] All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth...

 

> If there was one thing Amy Anderson wished she could go  
>back in time and change, it was that fateful day in February when she 

Mike: ...paid five bucks to see "Terminal Velocity".

 

>accepted Irving Harder's offer of a date. 

Joel: Especially when she figured out that he was just "Official Date  
Troller" for Jerry Seinfeld.

 

>Sure, he had been a perfect gentleman in the beginning, but that just  
>hid his true intentions. 

Joel: Because, gentle reader, only two types of men exist. Mean or  
dead.

 

>Amy, hopelessly head over heels for him and not wanting to lose him,  
>had foolishly slept with him.

Crow: [Amy] Last time I take dating advice from Lita.

 

>And now she was 8 months pregnant. Oh, the irony of it all. 

Mike: Especially since her belly won't fit into her fuku anymore.  
Joel: I wonder if Irving will be welcomed back to the synagogue after  
this.

 

>Everybody never expected the perfect Amy Anderson to get 'knocked up'.

Joel: Drew Barrymore IS Amy Anderson IN "Riding in Hondas with Boys"!

 

>Belle LaChance, Amy's mother, 

Crow: Paid for Amy's pickles and ice cream with singles from her job.

 

>had been an absolute angel during all this. She had been in the same  
>situation when Amy had been born, except a little older, but not that  
>much: 22.

Tom: Uh-oh... when word gets out that she's a grandmother, her  
stripping career will be over.  
Mike: Nah, she'll just go to work at the Slipped Disco. All grannies,  
all the time.

 

>This particular day, Amy had been on Messenger,  
>talking with her friends, including Raye in America, for whom it was  
>pretty late at night.

Mike: [Amy] I can't reach the keyboard anymore! Waaah!

 

>RAYE: I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick of America!  
>  
>LITA: Ah, don't give up just yet.

Crow: [Lita] You pick up a case of Serena-itis, Raye?

 

>RAYE: Excuse me?

Mike: [Lita] Okay. Dear Mrs. Stepford, Raye won't be into school  
tomorrow. Signed, Raye's Mother.

 

>MINA: You heard her.  
>  
>RAYE: Actually, no I didn't.  
>  
>SERENA: Fine. You want to get spesifik, you red her.  
>  
>AMY: Serena, improve your spelling. Drastically.  
>  
>SERENA: L

Tom: She's resorted to AOL Instant Telepathy.

 

>LITA: HAHA!  
>  
>MINA: *sound of laughter*

Crow: This fanfic has been captioned for the onomatopoeically impaired.

 

>RAYE: Amy One Serena None! How are you doing any way, Aims?  
>  
>AMY: Meh.  
>  
>RAYE: Thought so.  
>  
>LITA: Hasn't been in school for a couple weeks now.

Crow: [Amy] Yes I have! I've been in the bathroom!  
Joel: [Lita] For six weeks?!

 

>AMY: It's getting too close to the due date. Maman wants me home.

Joel: [Amy] I gotta have this baby before it expires!  
Tom: [Lita] Don't worry, you can always send it back to the  
manufacturer for some coupons on your next child.

 

>RAYE: BRB  
>  
>LITA: What just happened here?

Mike: You have just experienced a prose-to-script shift. Please remain  
seated until the scene comes to a full and complete stop.

 

>MINA: Someone's going past. I don't think she's supposed to be on  
>right now.  
>  
>SERENA: That makes sense. Somewhat.

Mike: [Raye] Honest, daddy, I was looking at gay porn! Not talking to  
my friends! I swear!

 

>AMY: There's a big gap between our time and her time, Serena. 

Crow: For instance, Raye here is currently living in the late 1880s.

 

>It may be early afternoon here, but it's getting late at night there.  
>  
>SERENA: Rite.

Tom: [Lita] Rilly.  
Joel: [Amy] Werd.

 

>RAYE: All right, it's safe now. What did I miss?  
>  
>LITA: Absolutely nothing.  
>  
>RAYE: I missed Serena making a fool out of herself again, didn't I?

Joel: (***Raye(youre_fired@192.42.109.4) has been tempbanned by Serena  
(Speling didn't get in the way ov my DeVry digree either!))

 

>MINA: Nothing new or unusual about that.  
>  
>RAYE: True, true.

Tom [Raye]: So.... WASAAAAAAAABI?!

 

>SERENA: Hey!  
>  
>LITA: Come on, Serena, you know it's true.

Tom: [Raye] Hahahaha! This is just what I needed to take my mind off  
my broken ribs and punctured lung!

 

>RAYE: Aw, man!  
>  
>MINA: What?  
>  
>LITA: What?  
>  
>SERENA: What?  
>  
>AMY: What?

Mike: Script doctoring by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

 

>RAYE: G2G. If I'm insanely lucky and the Fates are in my favour,  
>I'll actually talk to you guys again. Samuel just walked in.

Mike: [Sam] I need the computer! My FFXI group meets in two minutes!

 

>RAYE HAS LOGGED OFF.  
>  
>SERENA: Pore girl.

Tom: Yep, that's Kennedy with Oxy-10!  
Crow: [Yakov Smirnoff] In Soviet Russia, bad grammar use you!

 

>LITA: You got that right.  
>  
>MINA: Serena, don't you EVER study for your spelling?

Crow: [Serena] I never got past beagle.

 

>SERENA: Why? Am I supposed to?  
>  
>AMY: Simply incorrigible.

Mike (singing): She's so fine, there's no tellin' where the mem-'ry  
went!

 

>SERENA: Funny, Luna just said the same thing.  
>  
>MINA: Artemis agrees with them.

Tom: Of course, Artemis would agree with a dead raccoon if it meant  
more "Tender Vittles".

 

>SERENA: What does incorrigible mean?  
>  
>LITA: Never mind, Serena.  
>  
>SERENA: But I want to know!

Mike: [Lita] Read it in the Midnight Star, Serena.

 

>LITA: Just say good-night, Gracie.  
>  
>SERENA: I'm not Gracie.

Crow: "Sailor Moon" or a rerun of "Animaniacs"? You make the call!

 

>LITA: It's a saying, baka.  
>  
>SERENA: But you didn't say it.

Crow [Lita]: Fine, it's an expression then.  
Mike [Serena]: But I can't see your face!

 

>LITA: Just shut up, Serena.  
>  
>MINA: Shut up, Meatball-Head.  
>  
>AMY: Girls, be nice.  
>  
>SERENA: Al wright I've got to go now. Mom's teling me to get of, so  
>of I go. 

Joel: [Amy] Nitpick would have a field day with you, Garbler.

 

>See ya. I AM NOT A MEATBALL HEAD, JASMINA MITIROWITZ!!!

Joel: I feel as if I need an English/Hebrew dictionary for this.  
Crow: If we read this from right to left, would it make more sense?

 

>MINA: Sure you are.  
>  
>SERENA HAS LOGGED OFF.  
>  
>AMY: That's our Serena, all right.

Mike: This is like rejected outtakes from Laugh-In.

 

>MINA: Without a shade of a doubt.  
>  
>LITA: Well, I've got to go now, too. I'll drop by tomorrow after  
>school, Amy. I'll find Serena and tell her to come with.  
>  
>MINA: Count on me being there. But I've got to go now, as well.

Tom: [Mina] This scene's appointment with Dr. Kevorkian is finally  
here.

 

>AMY: Well, I guess there's no point in staying here by myself.

Joel: [Amy] Now for a little bit of 2chan...

 

>LITA: See you.  
>  
>MINA: Yeah, bye.  
>  
>AMY: Bye.  
>  
>LITA HAS LOGGED OFF.  
>  
>MINA HAS LOGGED OFF.  
>  
>AMY HAS LOGGED OFF.

Mike: Boy, that was a gripping scene, wasn't it?  
Crow: Taut suspense, pulse-pounding drama.... are at higher levels in  
"The Tale of Peter Cottontail".  
Joel: How about we take a breather from the action and suspense?  
Crow: You mean since the beginning of the 'fic?  
Joel: (chuckling) Naw, let's head out...

 

To be continued in Part 2! Stay tuned to see the angst flow and  
on the off-chance we might even see a Sailor Scout!


	2. Chapter 2

MSTing of "Friends, Family and San Francisco" by Scott "Zoogz" Jamison  
and Megane 6.7, part 2 of 2:

 

\---Satellite of Love

"And such began the career after the career... the time following  
all the exploits in a sailor suit and tiara," Tom intoned. "But now  
it's time to go... Behind the Fuku."

Joel appeared in a poofy blondish wig, white smock, and a quarter-  
holder strapped to his belt. "My days were idyllic... providing  
change at the arcade and ogling the middle-schoolers. Of course, I  
come from a long line of perverts and... oh, that's not why I'm here?  
I'm supposed to talk about the collapse and breakup of the Scouts?"

"Oh, well, it was rather sudden. They were all banging away at  
that video game in the corner when all of a sudden I heard a loud  
wailing and crying. Using all the eavesdropping skills I've honed  
through these lonely years, I found out that one of 'em had a bun  
in the oven. It's too bad, as I was waiting for her to get to the  
age of consent..."

Tom Servo, clad in a suit, reappeared on the Bridge and forcibly  
tried to push Joel off. "Yes, yes, thank you Andrew. The Scouts  
were in a panic. One of their number would soon become two of  
their number. We went to a curiously absent source in this fanfic  
for his opinions of the matter."

Crow appeared on the Bridge in a tuxedo, top hat, and mask.  
Underneath the tuxedo jacket was a grease-stained wife-beater. "That  
Irving Harder ass.... I couldn't believe that a night of clumsy  
passion was all that it took to break up the Scouts. Especially  
since destiny and Princess Serenity made it PERFECTLY CLEAR to those  
wenches that the only promiscuousness allowed in THIS OUTFIT was to  
be between myself and Sailor Moon! NO OTHERS! The morale in this  
platoon was so shot that it was only a matter of time before some of  
the Scouts couldn't take their poor widdle grampas dying and went  
bye-bye. WIMP! You sicken me!!"

Tom reappeared with a cattle prod, probably borrowed from Dr. F's  
collection. As it was continuously discharging, all he had to do  
was put it up against Crow for a good shock to the shammies. "Yow!  
I hadn't been moved like that ever since Sailor Jupiter..." Crow  
dazedly mumbled.

"Yes, ahem," Tom continued. "Truly, one of the Scouts had a 'bun  
in the oven'. Please stay tuned after these commercials, when we  
receive testimonial from the live-in help about the impact that her  
Grandfather had to Sailor Mars."

Mike, wearing a shaggy red wig and dressed as a stoner, shows up  
in the Hexfield. "Like wow, is this thing on? Andrew said there'd  
be babes here... the funeral like blew for chicks though, y'know?"

Tom frantically moved to the back of the Satellite to see if there  
was any way to shut down the Hexfield from the outside. At the same  
time, he said, "That's all next on 'Behind the Fuku'."

"You mean that open casket and free buffet wasn't supposed to be  
combined? Aww man, I thought those were weird cocktail weenies..."

The lights flashed and the sirens blared. "We have MORE FIC  
SIGN!" Mike yelled from the Hexfield as he stumbled away...

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)  
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the  
bottom)  
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)  
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)  
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)  
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)  
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps  
you inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the  
fourth seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that  
was Joel, and Crow sat in the far right seat.)

 

> Amy shut off the computer dismally and got up to go to  
>bed, when the first contraction hit her.

Mike [Amy]: Oh! Right there... just a bit lower now... ahhhhh.

 

>Meanwhile, back in San Francisco...

Tom: Annie wondered when the man in her dream would arrive with the  
blue crystal.

 

> "Explain yourself, Rachel," Samuel said slowly.

Mike [Raye] It's a reflexive second-person pronoun used to refer to  
antecedents that have already been named.

 

> "Raye," Raye grumbled. "You want to know, I was  
>talking to my friends in Tokyo. Was that so wrong?"  
>  
> "Don't you dare talk back to me, young lady! 

 

Tom: [Raye] Fine, I'll use sign language. Starting with the middle  
finger.  
Joel: I feel as if we should expect Claire Danes sometime soon.

 

>You're in America now and I will not tolerate any ties with Japan."

Tom: [Samuel] Now if you'll excuse me, Iron Chef is on.

 

> "What's going on here?" Annette asked. "Rachel, you  
>should be sleeping. The last thing you need at the Miss San Francisco  
>pageant is bags under your eyes."

Crow: Silly me, I thought the last thing she needed was a personality.  
Mike: Besides, they may blow the location budget if we depart now.

 

> "I'm not going to that idiotic pageant." Raye growled.  
>"It's superfluous and stupid."

Joel [Raye]: And the grand prize is only $1.98!!

 

> "Oh, and I suppose you don't have those type of things  
>back in demonic land?" Annette retorted.  
> "Actually, yes we did have those in Japan," Raye  
>answered easily. "Just not any I ever participated in."  
> "I did see a few girls who looked as though they might  
>go far, 

Joel: Possibly to the end of the stage! And then off!

 

>especially in the young girls' competition years ago." Annette said  
>thoughtfully. "There was one girl from there who looked like Miss  
>Globe material about 5 or 6 years ago. 

Crow: Or at least Weekly World News Page 5 material...

 

>Jasmina Mitirowitz, I believe. Quite surprised me, she didn't look or  
>sound a mite Japanese. I wonder whatever happened to her?"

Mike: She married Orthodox, moved to Wroclaw and had five kids.  
Tom: Ut azoy.

 

> "Mina outgrew the pageants and stopped competing,"

Joel: The only way you could "outgrow" the pageants is by not growing  
out enough.

 

>Raye asked, knowing she would win this round.

Mike: She had Bald Bull's rush timed perfectly now.

 

> "You knew her?" Annette asked skeptically.  
>  
> "Oh yeah, one of my best friends."  
>  
> "I thought you said the people who competed in the  
>pageants were all stupid and air-headed." Samuel smirked.

Joel: O-ho! Logic, my good man! But if some widgets are NOT doodads,  
then are all fizzbins doohickeys?  
Crow: [Raye] What, you don't have a friend that's stupid and air-  
headed? Oh that's right, you have your wife.

 

> "Mina wasn't competing anymore by the time I met  
>her," Raye answered triumphantly. "She got sick and tired of all the  
>pressure and quit."  
>  
> "And her parents allowed her?"

Crow: Free will's a bitch, eh?

 

> "Of course. Her parents were getting a bit tired of it  
>all and were glad for the extra time just to spend relaxing with Aaron  
>and Mina."

Crow: And Mina just wanted a couple rounds of "kick the baby".

 

> "Aaron?"  
>  
> "Her older brother."

Mike: And her younger brothers Solomon, Levi, and Isaac.

 

> "What about her personal trainer and agent?"

Tom [Raye]: He overdosed on Fancy Feast and needed eight weeks to get  
clean.

 

> "According to Mina, they were slightly disappointed,  
>but were glad she decided to stop, because she was getting too much  
>pressure from media and scouts for such a young age. And Aaron was  
>beginning to hate her because it took all their parent's time."

Mike: Because all teenaged boys HATE unsupervised time and would  
rather have their parents looking over their shoulder constantly.

 

> "And the public?"

Joel [Raye]: Well, Mina faked her death pretty convincingly... she's  
now a plumber named Murray living in Queens.

 

> "Ah, it's amazing how you can move to a new city and  
>not be pestered constantly about why you stopped competing." 

Tom: Until VH-1 does another "We Love the 80s" show.

 

> "Silly girl," Annette sighed. "She could've been  
>great... but she chose to be just a common girl instead. Poor  
>misguided soul..."

Joel: And so ends another scene of thinly-veiled contempt as well as  
the complete deconstruction of upper-middle-class American life.  
Crow: Well, this is what you get when Canadians start getting things  
like opinions.

 

>Christmas Eve, San Francisco Airport

Mike: The answer, my friend, is blow it out your ass.

 

> "Well, where should we start?" Serena asked, staring  
>around at the bustling crowds. 

Crow: [Serena] I haven't had a good meaningless frag-fest in ages!

 

>"San Francisco is a big city."  
>  
> "Well, clues, Serena, clues." Mina responded  
>sarcastically, grabbing her duffel bag as it went past. 

Tom: And for that, she needs her handy-dandy...  
All: NOTEBOOK!

 

>"Raye said the house and school were in a region called Rivers, which  
>slices it down to a smaller area. And we have her address and school  
>name. So that narrows it down to two places she could possibly be."

Mike [Serena] So, either Haight-Ashbury or the Chuck E. Cheese?

 

> "So do we try the school or house first?" Serena  
>wondered.  
>  
> "Serena, it's Saturday." Mina said slowly. "Where do  
>you think she'll be?"

Crow: [Serena] Brought up on patricide charges by now... but Sam  
must've slipped her a Prozac or four.

 

> "Hehehe." Serena laughed weakly. "So what was the  
>address again?"  
>  
> "Number 1955, Jessica Drive." Mina answered, sneaking  
>a quick peek at the small piece of paper clutched in her fist. "Now  
>how are we going to get there?"

Tom: Cut to montage: John Candy with two giggling Japanese schoolgirls.

 

>Meanwhile, back at 1955 Jessica Drive

Joel: [Doc Brown] Marty... we've got to send you BACK! TO THE FUTURE!!

 

> "Rachel, I don't believe this." Samuel said angrily.  
>"Fighting?"

Mike: [Raye] But Mr. Eastwood said I have real potential!

 

> "It's Raye, and I wasn't fighting!" Raye protested. "I  
>was defending myself!"  
>  
> Briarcliffe had a funny schedule of a six-day school  
>week, 

Crow: Which ran from Thwensday to Saint Swiven's Day.

 

>Monday to Saturday, and kept going to school until Christmas Eve and  
>then took a one week break. 

Joel: School administrators finally wised up and realized that parents  
really wanted a daycare that did some teaching.

 

>Today, Raye had been sent home with a note that she had been fighting  
>on school grounds. She sported a black eye, a sprained wrist, twisted  
>ankle and a whole lot of scrapes and bruises. 

Tom: Which strangely enough matched the injuries she received last  
night after dinner.

 

>She was still fuming over the comments that had started the whole  
>thing:

Mike: [student] Isn't Beyblade the greatest anime ever?

 

> "Hey, you!" a taunting voice came. "Go back to where  
>you came from, Jap!"

Joel: [student] And once you're done, Meathead, get me a beer.

 

>Raye turned around to find five big guys, all older than her, sporting  
>baseball bats and various small weapons such as brass knuckles and  
>penknifes, advancing threateningly towards her. Immediately, Raye's  
>instincts told her to run or transform, but she did neither.

Tom: We have replaced the instinctual nodes in Raye's brain with  
lukewarm beef gravy. Let's see if she can tell the difference!  
Crow: We certainly can.

 

> Instead, she readied herself for the beating that was  
>certainly coming, and hoped these were just pranksters, looking to  
>scare her.

Mike: If they bring the penknives, you know they're really serious.  
Tom: Boy, remember the days when there'd be five more burn ward  
victims?

 

> "You will go to your room and remain there until I  
>give you permission to come out." Samuel snapped. "I can't believe a  
>daughter of mine would-"  
>  
> "Oh, shut up." Raye snarled.

Joel: She has no instincts AND no ability to learn.  
Mike: He's just itching to send her to Girls' Town, isn't he?

 

> "Don't you dare talk back to me like that," Samuel  
>growled, and grabbed Raye fiercely by the arm.  
>  
>Later

Crow: Samuel lay in the hospital, wrapped up like Bubba Ho-Tep.  
Tom: Groovy.

 

> Alexander and Jeremy were at home alone when the  
>doorbell rang. 

Tom: Stop me if I'm wrong, but I think I've heard this setup before.

 

>Samuel and Annette had left for some dinner reception and given  
>explicit instructions not to open the door.

Crow: [Sam] NOT EVEN IN CASE OF FIRE!!

 

> Jeremy either hadn't heard those instructions or  
>decided not to listen, because he answered the door. "Yeah?" he asked  
>suspiciously, as he regarded the two blonde girls on the doorstep.

Mike: That merger between Victoria's Secret and the Girl Scouts was a  
lucrative one!

 

> "Is Raye here?" one asked.  
>  
> "No," Jeremy answered unconcernedly. "She left a while  
>ago."  
>  
> "Do you know where she went?" the other asked.

Joel: [Jeremy] What am I, a random bystander on "Carmen Sandiego"?

 

> "Probably down to the temple."  
>  
> "Where is it?"

Mike: [Jeremy] Hang a left at the coliseum, a right at Adam Smith's  
Trading Post, another left at the Apollo Project; you can't miss it.

 

> "Here, I can-"  
>  
> "Jeremy, Mom and Dad told you not to answer the-"  
>Alexander said exasperatedly. "Who are you?"

Crow, Joel: [girls] Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith for Jehovah's  
Witnesses!

 

> "We're friends of Raye's," they answered.  
>  
> "You came all the way from Japan to see her?"  
>Alexander asked dubiously.

Tom: She couldn't even make a friend in San Francisco? Not even one?  
Mike: So we're up to instincts, ability to learn, social skills...

 

> "Yes, now somebody please tell us where the temple  
>is?"  
>  
> "Like we should know where it is?" Alexander asked. 

Crow: In Canada, a random citizen would've taken you there by now!  
Joel: With a stop at Tim Horton's on the way!

 

>"Neither of us have ever gone near it. She goes there a lot,  
>especially after she and Dad and Mother have a spectacular row, but  
>otherwise, nobody here ever goes around there."  
>  
> "I've been there." Jeremy whispered, watching his feet.

Joel: Two blonde girls on the doorstep asking for directions and this  
putz would rather look at his own feet.

 

> "Excuse me?" Alexander asked incredulously. "When have  
>you ever gone there?"

Mike: [Jeremy] Every time you and Dad fight about you being a warrior!

 

> Jeremy shifted on his feet uncomfortably, wishing he'd  
>kept his mouth shut. "Just once. Back in September."

Mike: [Jeremy] I couldn't remember when trick-or-treating starts!

 

>*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*-

Crow: Anybody got a minesweeper?

 

>A/N: thank you! My lock-down's over, the chapter's FINALLY done and I  
>can upload the overabundance of "Things to be uploaded"! Review!!!

Tom: Reviewing seems prudent... here we have a story starring the  
Sailor Senshi, but they don't even become the Sailor Senshi! Even  
when threatened!!  
Mike: Maybe it's the year 4200 and we don't know it yet.

 

>Friends, Family and San Francisco  
>  
>A/N: gosh, I thought I'd NEVER finish Chapter 2! It was like a  
>deranged Energizer bunny: it just kept going and going and going and  
>going... 

Tom: (singing) This is the 'fic that never ends/ It just goes on and on  
my friends...  
Crow: (singing) Some author started writing it not knowing where it  
goes...

 

>until finally I just cut it off and told it "No. You are ending here  
>and that's that." *yawn* Gosh, I'm tired. And I don't even have a  
>legitimate reason why. *yawwwwwwwwwn* 

Crow: Couldn't you at least cover your keyboard when you yawn? You  
look like the Grand Canyon.

 

>And I'm sorry, any San Franciscans, if I kind of blacken your city's  
>fair name. 

Joel: Between this story and the Twinkie Defense, San Francisco may  
never be the same.

 

>Raye's going to be kind of OOC this chapter, because of course, I felt  
>like it. 

Mike: (grumbling) Why should this chapter be any different?

 

>And for whoever said that you didn't think Raye would take that b.s.  
>from her dad and stepmom, and that she would've found her way back to  
>Japan already, all will be revealed in good time.

Tom: However we have ruled out arson, bonfires, and smoke signals.

 

>DISCLAIMER: Don't own anything in here. But you already knew that,  
>didn't you?

Crow: [to Tom] Told you Michael Jackson owned Ringo. 

 

>Chapter 3:: Rescue

Joel: Starring Bernard and Bianca.

 

> Once Jeremy had directed the two girls to the temple  
>and they had left, he looked wistfully after the departing figures

Tom: [Jeremy] Amway has never looked so good.

 

>while his brother berated him for actually going near that place of  
>demonic power.

Mike: Alexander still has issues over the loss of his virtual pet.

 

> Serena and Mina reached the temple within half an  
>hour, and stepped inside the gate and were ambushed by an old lady,  
>screeching at them to leave.

Crow: It's sad to see old Mrs. Mitchell every time she gets into the  
turpentine.

 

> "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Serena yelped. "We were just  
>looking for Raye!"

Tom: [woman] Well... long as you ain't one o' them Travolta stalkers.

 

> "Oh, I'm sure," the lady scoffed. "Two little blonde  
>girls come into MY temple grounds, something's up... did you say you  
>were looking for Raye?"

Joel: [woman] Kinda goofy looking stout dude, almost like Dan Aykroyd?  
Tom: Look, lady, you're in freaking California. If they're not blonde  
now, Clairol'll get 'em.

 

> "Uh... yeah." Mina answered.  
>  
> "Who are you?" the old lady snapped, suddenly wary.  
>"Where do you heed from?"

Tom: [Serena] I heed from the left in Japan, but the oncoming traffic's  
different here.

 

> "We're friends of Raye's," Mina said in confusion.  
>  
> "From where?" the old lady persisted.  
>  
> "Japan," Serena answered.  
>  
> "You're not Japanese," the old lady said suspiciously.

Mike: [Serena] I know. It's these goofy names! I swear we're just  
trying them on, not to keep!

 

> "Gods, yes we are!" Mina howled suddenly. 

Tom: [Serena] Watch it or you'll get an eyeful of ceremonial salt!  
Crow: Gods they are, yet talk like little green Muppets they do!

 

>"I am really getting tired of being told I'm not Japanese, you know?  
>Just because my hair is blonde, it doesn't make me any less Japanese!"  
>  
> The old lady looked taken aback, then smiled. "Fine,  
>then, let me test you. 

Mike: [woman] Tea Ceremony, best three out of five!

 

>I get enough vandals in this no-good city without admitting two into  
>my grounds, because they claim to be Japanese. Where do you come from  
>in Japan?"

Crow: [Serena] Uh... Hirojiro... yuma... zuna... taki?  
Tom: [Mina] Fort Wayne.

 

> "Tokyo," both girls responded in unison.  
>  
> "Where did she go to school?" She, of course, meaning  
>Raye, the girls knew that. Serena answered "Harmony Academy."

Mike: Where kids are arranged in perfect thirds and everyone's a minor!

 

> "Well, I have no way of proving that, she's never said  
>where she went to school in Japan," the lady mused. 

Mike: Wha...?  
Joel: [woman] Okay, another question! What is Avogadro's Number?  
Tom: [Serena] I don't know!  
Joel: [woman] Raye never told me that either... But A-HA! GET OUT!!

 

>"Well, I can't think of a good question that would confirm it, so I  
>suggest you go wait at her father's house until she-"

Crow: Amazingly, this woman's real career is federal interrogation.

 

> "Serena?" came a soft voice. "Mina?"  
>  
> "Raye!" both girls exclaimed, as the raven-haired girl  
>stepped out from the shade of a tree, where the shadows had been  
>hiding her, and still hid most of her face. 

Tom: Well it's not an asparagus patch, but it'll do.

 

>The two girls ran towards their long-lost friend and the two started  
>talking over each other at the same time, until Serena finally  
>withdrew and demanded indignantly "What have they done to you?"  
>  
> "Raye, do you know them?" The woman asked sharply.

Crow: [woman] Holy crap! The sky... the sky... it's BLUE?!

 

> "Yes, Shino, don't worry." Raye answered quietly.  
>  
> "All right," Shino muttered and walked back into the  
>temple, shaking her head.

Tom: [Shino] Jive girls ain't got no brains anyhow!  
Joel: Cameo appearance by Jessica Simpson! Let's give her a hand!

 

> "Raye, what happened to you?" Mina asked fretfully.  
>"You look terrible."  
>  
> "Gee, thanks for the compliment," Raye said, still in a  
>subdued tone that Serena and Mina had never heard in Raye.

Mike [Raye]: Look, I'm down to 500 food and there's still fifteen  
Level 3 ghosts chasing me. Think you could be "IT" for a few seconds?

 

> "What. Happened." Serena and Mina both said slowly.  
>  
> "Long story, unhappy ending." Raye replied softly,  
>avoiding eye contact.

Joel: That's the most blatant foreshadowing I've ever seen.  
Crow: How come we can't get warnings like this BEFORE the 'fic starts?

 

> "Oh, you come with us," Serena and Mina both gushed and  
>each took an arm. 

Tom: [Serena] We are going to give you SUCH a makeover! You're gonna  
dazzle the sparkle, babe!

 

>Serena noted a slight jump of what could almost be fear, and filed it  
>away for pondering later.

Mike: And after that comes processing, collating, and compiling.

 

> "Wha-?" Raye asked in confusion.  
>  
> "You didn't really think we'd leave you stranded here  
>in America at Christmas, did you?" Serena asked scornfully. 

Crow: [Serena] We're here to save you from incessant Old Navy  
shilling and the Canadian Tire Scrooge ads.

 

>"You're coming back to Japan with us tonight. We'll stop back at your  
>dad's place to get some clothes or something and we'll be in Japan by  
>Christmas morning."

Mike: [Mina] Let's go see that new holiday movie, "The Passion of the  
Santa!" 

 

>Tokyo  
>  
> "Hey, Amy!" Lita greeted as she entered the apartment.  
>"How are you doing?"

Tom: [Amy] I'm HORRIBLE! And FAT!! And... I'm so sorry I yelled, I  
hope you're not mad... you're looking great, Lita, just l-like I  
used... to... WAAAAHHH!!

 

> "Tiiiiiiiiiired," Amy groaned as she collapsed on the  
>couch.  
>  
>######################################################

Joel: Meanwhile, Darien is running a numbers racket...

 

>A/N: I know it's kinda short but I have some serious writer's block.

Crow: Psychosomatic damage finally works in our favor! Yesss!!

 

>Friends, Family, and San Francisco  
>  
>A/N: sorry for the long wait. Stupid ff.n decided to be mean and tell  
>me I didn't exist. 

Crow: [bitterly] So much for our hopes.  
Mike: [author] They stole my identity, my life, my future...

 

>I deleted all my files and now I had to go retrieve them from off ff.n  
>because my friend told me that I do exist. Yay!

Joel: The lesson, folks? If you're not on fanfiction.net, you don't  
exist.

 

>DISCLAIMER: I don't own anybody but those who aren't in the series.  
>(Duh. A moron could figure that out! XP)

Crow: The author wasn't kidding about using those racial slurs...

 

>LYRICS: Home Tonight, Chris Rice.

Tom: Alter ego of Garth Agar. 

 

>Chapter 4:: Broken

Joel: Figures. I'll go grab the duct-tape. I'm the frigging Bob Vila  
of theaters.

 

>I've come to my senses

Tom: (singing) Abandon their defenses...

 

>How did I get so far from home  
>  
> "I just had an accident."  
>  
> "I knocked into a door."

Crow: Oh! My line... "Who's there?"

 

> "I didn't dodge the balls fast enough in gym class."  
>  
> "I fell off the curb while out walking."

Joel: I mistook Starlight peppermints for Tabasco sauce.  
Tom: I taped my jeans to a sperm whale while I was still in them.  
Mike: I tried to use a can opener as a speculum.  
Crow: I ratted out the Gambinos. 

 

>The lies dissipating  
>  
>Revealing I'm so alone

Crow: But it proves a lucrative future in politics! 

 

> I'd almost forgotten what being accepted and being  
>loved felt like. It's been so long since I've had anybody hug me, or  
>tell me they missed me. I don't care what technology says, e-mail is  
>no substitute for talking face to face.

Mike: Especially when the Sailor Mars porn spams started showing up.

 

>And I remember now  
>  
>How strong love can be

Tom: Or at least legal custodianship.

 

> Obviously, life didn't stop for the others here. Not  
>that I expected it to. They're all discussing some new guy in their  
>class that is apparently a "hunka hunka burnin' love". 

Mike [Raye] Apparently, his porkchop sideburns are going grey.

 

>Description courtesy of Lita.

Joel: Caption copyright AP News.

 

> It feels like it's been years and years since I sat at  
>this table in this restaurant with these girls, eagerly discussing the  
>future. 

Tom: [Raye] Of course, the restaurant was trashed a couple times by  
monsters, and we transformed into the, uhh... navy people, I think...

 

>Funny, when I remember it now, it's fuzzy, and coloured with bright  
>dreams and love for life.  
>And I wonder how did I ever leave

Mike: Grampa bought it. I swear, you'd forget your name if it wasn't  
pounded into your skull over and over...

 

> Sometimes, I wonder why I didn't try to run for Japan  
>earlier. 

Crow: Could it be because of the wet and sinking feeling?

 

>I'd like to think it was because there was no way for me to return,  
>but that's not true. The truth of the matter was that I was a  
>hopeless, gullible, weak kid. Yes, the great and strong Sailor Mars,  
>Raye Yakira, fell for it. 

Joel: The flower squirted water! How could I be so blind??

 

>I really did believe that he wanted his daughter back. Honest and  
>truly, I just wanted to know that my father loved me and wanted me.  
>Was that so wrong, to want the love and attention of your own father?

Crow: [Sam] Neglect... abuse... how much more can a father give?!

 

>Burn the fire on the altar  
>  
>Leave a candle on the porch

Mike: Heck, torch your couch, I don't care! 

 

> I look at Amy now and I see how my mother must've  
>looked when I was born. Tired, burdened, but happy still the same.

Joel [Ami] Finally, pickles are a condiment! Not a main course and  
NOT a dessert!!

 

>Granted, my mother was also two years younger than Amy when I was  
>born and she didn't have twins or great aspirations.

Joel: Or dental floss, or kleptomania, or a bitchin' stereo...  
Mike: I imagine having that baby gave her great perspirations.

 

> I don't really remember all that much of my mother.  
>She killed herself when I was three. If there's one thing I know, it's  
>that I sincerely hope Amy is stronger than her. 

Tom: My mother had the same fetish for dead lifting refrigerators...

 

>She's got wonderful dreams and I know that someday she will reach  
>them. This is just a minor setback that she'll overcome like she  
>always has.

Joel: [Raye] She's currently writing a manuscript about Perry Hotter!

 

>I'm still too far away to see it

Tom: My favorite way to read these 'fics.

 

>But I'm aching for its warmth

Mike: As well as the stench of singed upholstery.

 

> Not like me, of course. Well, I guess I used to have  
>great wonderful, Technicolour dreams, but not anymore. 

Joel: [Raye] Now I'm a View-Master without a cardboard reel.

 

>It's like I'm a prisoner who at one time had been out in the warm sun,  
>but has been locked away in the dark and grey prison for so long that  
>I've forgotten true freedom is like.

Crow: Raye Ya-whatever stars in 'The Shawshank Redemption 2: It's Got  
Morgan Freeman Talking'.

 

>And now that I'm released from my prison cell (for a week or two at  
>least), all the colours and light and freedom has come back in such a  
>dizzying rush that I can't take it all in. I've built up such a  
>powerful shield between myself and the world that nothing at all can  
>penetrate it. Not even my friends.

Tom: Phasers have no effect, torpedos are useless... anybody got a  
tachyon pulse lying around?

 

>And I'm so tired and dark and lonesome  
>  
>Still I hear your song inside

Mike: [Raye] And it's not working, Elton John!

 

>So sing it louder if you want me home tonight  
>  
>Sing it loud now, 'cause I'm comin' home tonight

Tom: Too bad the country roads are all closed due to snow. 

 

> The day has passed by in such a blur that I don't  
>really remember what I did today.

Tom: [Harrison Ford] I don't like fast women!

 

> Aunt Nori and Aunt Aiko were quite reluctant to let me  
>out of their sight when Mina and Serena brought me to the temple  
>earlier this morning. Aiko was all over me like a fish in water and  
>Nori wasn't that much more refined. 

Mike: Lemme guess, Nori was on her like seaweed paper on sushi?

 

>At least Yukio had the sense to pull his wife back before they  
>suffocated me.  
>  
>This isn't the first time I've wandered away from home before

Joel: Wandering, fifteen-hour flight to freedom, same difference.

 

>So you'd have every reason to slam and deadbolt the door  
>  
>But I remember now how strong your love can be  
>  
>And I wonder how you might welcome me

Crow: Let's take bets... open palm or closed fist?

 

>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////  
>//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Joel: The above is a picture of your beard. And now, graphic  
representation of the Mach 3 from Gillette!

 

>A/N: yes, short chapter, but I am attempting to finish the next  
>chapter of every story I have in progress to make for lost time in  
>exams and writers block. 

Tom: Do you get the feeling that someone in Deep Thirteen is chuckling?

 

>Grrrr... 6 down, 3 to go, not including the 2 sequels I started for my  
>unfinished YGO fics. *sigh* I'm pathetic. 

Mike: Stewart Smalley would be horrified.  
Crow: Especially if he read this far.

 

>What fic to work on next tonight... Project Phoneix: Aidan Rachel, Any  
>Dream Will Do or I Dreamed A Dream? *sigh* Review, will ya? Bring  
>some light into this loony li'l dark world of unfinished fics and imminent  
>Spanish classes?

Crow: [author] My 'fics have moved me from Canada to Guatemala and  
they're beating me up! I miss my friends!

 

>Friends, Family and San Francisco  
>  
>A/N: Sorry about the wait. But here's chapter 5! Thank you, Tori, for  
>the e-mail!! ^-^ My mother said she could see my head swelling from  
>pride at all the WONDERFUL reviews people left!! ( ^-^ ) ß big head

Mike: First it starts at the head... then it moves to the hands...  
Tom: Mike, give it up. It's over.  
Crow: Poor Timmy.  
Joel: (singing) Who's that guy with the big...!  
Crow: Joel... no.

 

>Probably won't be too much longer. And probably not a happy-happy-joy-  
>joy ending, either. 

Mike: More like a Muddy Mudskipper ending.

 

>A mysterious, leave-you-gnawing-at-your-nails ending, or tearing-at-  
>the-eyes ending. Yep.

Joel: Ahh, the author decided to emulate The Girl in Lover's Lane.

 

>DISCLAIMER: I own only Brady, Faith, William, etc.  
>  
>Chapter 5:: William

Mike: Oh no, Mr. Bill! Run away while you still can!

 

> Aiko had to go to work that morning. She left Raye at  
>her apartment alone, promising to be back in a few hours.  
> Raye sat at the kitchen table, head spinning in  
>confusion. She couldn't process all this emotion. 

Crow: She's a Teddy Ruxpin with only three C's.

 

>She had survived the past half year by locking out emotion. Her family  
>was a joke, 

Joel: Namely, "here's your sign".

 

>her friends had gone on with life, forgetting all about her, her life  
>was in shambles. It was all just too much...  
>  
> The phone's irritable jangling brought Raye back from  
>her morbid musings. "Hello?" she said hopefully.

Crow: NOW... greatNEWfares... to... CAL-i-FOR-ni-a... at PRICELINE!  
Tom: [Raye] Shut the hell UP, Shatner!

 

> "Hello?" a tentative male voice asked. "Is this Raye?"  
>  
> "Yes," Raye answered. "Who is this?"  
>  
> "This is William Cassidy from school. 

Mike: [William] I was chosen to insult you by proxy, Big Poopy Head.

 

>I know you probably think I'm stupid or something because you've been  
>there since the beginning of the year and all and I've never even  
>talked to you and all but I didn't have any guts and I thought you'd  
>think I was high and mighty because my dad 

Joel: Who had "Charles da Great" sewn on the back of all his suits...

 

>and I go back and forth a lot, but when I saw you the other day here  
>in Tokyo, I finally thought that I could probably have a chance with  
>you and... Iwaswonderingifyouwouldliketogooutsometime."

Joel: [William] And I... I... *gasp*.... I....  
Crow: [Raye] Breathe, stupid, breathe!  
Tom: Only by the third date will she realize that "William" is an alias  
for Irving Harder.

 

> Well. Once Raye had deciphered the rambling message  
>and recalled exactly who William Cassidy was: 

Joel: Hopalong!

 

>some boy who came and went, most of the other students thought he was  
>snobbish because his dad owned companies all over the world and  
>traveled a lot. They didn't like him: he must be okay. "Sure."

Mike: For the love of God, man, be sure to bring condoms!

 

> "Really?" William asked, sounding incredulous.  
>"Well... when did you want to go? Where do you want to go?"

Crow: [William] And where do you want to get off?

 

> "Do you know where the Café Damask is?" Raye asked,  
>naming of the most popular affordable little cafés in Tokyo.  
>  
> "Yes, actually." William admitted. "My apartment isn't  
>far."

 

Crow: He really lives under one of the tables.  
Mike: [William] We can split a packet of Sweet-N-Low and a half a cup  
of cream!

 

> "Neither is my aunt's." Raye agreed. "How about there,  
>tomorrow?"  
>  
> "Sounds good. How about we meet there at 3:30?"

Tom: [William] Bring two forms of ID, the way this story's going.

 

> "Sure. See you then."  
>  
> "Okay. Bye."  
>  
> 16-year-old Liam Cassidy whooped in exhilaration as he  
>hung up. "Yes! I did it!!" 

Joel: [Liam] First, the cafe, then the weenie roast and... dare I  
suggest it... THE RUMMAGE SALE! WOO HOO!

 

>Grinning widely, Liam continued to hop up and down.

Joel: You can barely tell that he's straight out of the annals of  
Western history.

 

> Liam's 5-year-old sister Oriana dashed into the  
>kitchen, took one look at her older brother and backed out. Liam  
>caught her and swung her up and down before setting her on the  
>countertop.

Tom: [Liam] We're having tuna surprise tonight. See if you can puke  
all over it.

 

> Why are you so excited? Oriana signed quizzically.  
>  
> Liam sighed. Because big brother's going on a date!

Crow: [Liam] Hey! I wanted to tell her! Butt out, author!

 

> A date? With who? Liam's dad signed as he entered the  
>kitchen.

Mike: With his family!

 

> A girl from school.  
>  
> Did you call long-distance?!

Joel: [father] No reaching out and touching someone WITHOUT parental  
supervision, mister!

 

> No, no. She's visiting some family in Tokyo. She goes  
>to Briarcliffe with me. Liam assured his father quickly.  
>  
> When are you going out on this date? Liam's dad  
>demanded.  
>  
> Tomorrow afternoon. Don't worry about it, Dad. We're  
>just going to the Café Damask.

Tom: Right across the street from Central Perk, next to the Peach Pit. 

 

> "A date?" Lita asked. "With who?"  
>  
> "Where?" Mina added.  
>  
> "When?"

Tom: NNNnnnoooooo-body expects the Senshi Inquisition!  
Mike: I'm not even expecting the Senshi anymore...

 

> "What are you doing?"  
>  
> "Guys!" Raye finally yelped. "Let me talk, will you?  
>First of all, his name is William. Secondly, we're just going to Café  
>Damask. Tomorrow. Does that answer your questions?"

Crow: All but, "Who's gonna pay for it?"

 

> "Where did you meet this William guy, any way? What's  
>his last name?" Amy asked, turning back around to face her friends as  
>she finished twisting the cap back on a bottle before throwing it in  
>the microwave. "Do we know him?"

Joel: According to the pediatrician, Mr. Pibb should be administered  
at 130 degrees.

 

> "Probably not." Raye admitted, twisting a lock of  
>raven hair around her index finger. A small smile was lighting her  
>features, lessening the fading bruises on her face. 

Mike: Huh, that never worked for Mike Tyson.

 

>"Considering he lives in San Francisco. His father runs some big,  
>fancy company all over the world, so he travels around a lot.

Tom [Raye] Colombia, Venezuela, the States... then back to Mexico, then  
Cuba, and then the States again... 

 

>His last name's Cassidy. I met him at school. I don't know, he seems  
>like a decent guy."

Crow: Especially when he keeps talking about a song that he's singin'.

 

> "Irving seemed like a decent guy to me, too." Amy  
>pointed out, shifting Faith to the other arm; Brady was sleeping in  
>his crib.

Joel: [announcer] And now, the second half of "Days of our Scouts",  
after these words from Summer's Eve and Pampers.

 

> "My theory is nobody else there likes him. He must be  
>okay."

Crow: This is the same thought process behind Keanu Reeves movies.

 

> "I don't know, Raye." Amy said doubtfully. Brady woke  
>and let out a screeching howl that made Amy groan: her hands were full  
>with just Faith. 

Mike: She didn't have twins... she had a litter!  
Joel: Another two weeks before their coats comes in...

 

>Crossing over the room quickly, Raye was the one who lifted the  
>squalling infant and calmed him down. She smiled grimly at the  
>dumbfounded looks on her friends' faces. 

Tom: [Raye] It just takes four tablespoons of Nyquil! Remember this  
rhyme: "All you need is four... then you'll hear a snore!"

 

>"My cousins are 12 and 14 years younger than me. I baby-sat a lot."

Joel: [Raye] And I would've kept going to the club meetings, but I had  
to move and Dawn took my spot...

 

>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crow: Whoops! Looks like Faith just burped up.

 

>A/N: There we go!! And whoever asked for Raye to find just one decent  
>guy in San Fran, there you go. William is her decent guy.

Mike: Until Raye finds out that his REAL last name is Bonin.

 

>Friends, Family and San Francisco  
>  
>A/N: Sorry about the long wait. This is the last chapter. Then I might  
>do a sequel. You'll have to ask for it though...

Mike: ...stay.... extremely..... still.....  
Tom: Shh!

 

>DISCLAIMER: I own only Faith, Brady and Liam.  
>  
>Chapter 6:: Return

Crow: And the follow-up, "Line Break!"

 

> Amazingly enough, Raye hadn't stood him up! Liam was  
>on top of the world. 

Mike: How often do rich kids get stood up anyway?

 

>He was out with a girl he'd had a crush on since forever, and she  
>actually seemed interested in him. Even if it was just as a friend...

Joel: [Raye] You'll protect me, right!? You've got bodyguards with  
guns, RIGHT!?

 

> He was an interesting guy, this Liam, Raye mused as  
>she walked back from Café Damask after a few hours. She had had fun,  
>she'd admit it right there. Maybe not all American guys were jerks...

Crow: As Liam speed dialed his plastic surgeon to get Raye scheduled  
for collagen injection and breast implants.  
Tom: [Liam] Double-F should be sufficient...

 

> She returned to the apartment smiling. Aiko had left a  
>note on the kitchen table:

Mike: Bread, milk, AAAAHHHHH!!  
Crow: [Raye] Ah, I could go for a drink with jam and bread. 

 

> Raye, come over to the temple as soon as you get home.

Joel: Grampa's back and demanding BRAIIIINS! 

 

> Funny message, but okay, Raye pondered as she walked  
>back over to the temple, her grin quickly fading.  
>  
> Standing in the courtyard was two men, apparently  
>arguing at the top of their lungs and her two aunts trying to break it  
>up.

Mike: [Roddy Piper] FORK!  
Crow: [Paul Orndorff] Spoon!

 

> "What are you doing here?!" Raye asked, entering the  
>courtyard.  
>  
> "I was about to ask you the same question, Rachel!"  
>Samuel snapped.

Tom [Raye] I asked first!!

 

> All the happiness and joy she had gotten back this  
>afternoon dissipated in face of dread and, surprisingly enough, anger.  
>"It's Raye!"

Crow: It's nice to see them getting back to their former one-  
dimensional selves. 

 

> Liam was just cleaning up from dinner: his father had  
>gone on to a dinner for business and Oriana had bolted off to her  
>room. 

Tom: [Oriana] I never heard you ask for help with the dishes!  
Crow: Ordinarily, this would set up the big fight finale, but...

 

>The lights in the house started flickering just then and Liam dashed  
>for the phone. "Hello?"

Mike: This is your landlord. I hear that you have been holding an  
illegal crossover and sublet on your rental property.

 

> "Liam?" Raye's tearful voice said from the other end  
>of the line.

Joel [Raye]: Never never NEVER sing "Champagne Supernova" ever again.

 

> "Raye, what's wrong?" Liam demanded, hearing the  
>distraught tone in her voice. "Raye?"  
>  
> Raye sniffled. "He found me."

Mike: Sergeant Preston of the Yukon? Well, they always get their man. 

 

>*Raye's POV*

Mike: [Raye] I trained four weeks to box him and the author cuts away!  
Where's the justice?!?

 

> All right, so maybe he found me. 

Tom: [Raye] I've got contacts in Arkham, I'll get out.

 

>Maybe I can't come back to Japan while I'm still under 18. That's only  
>two more years. With Liam, I can handle it.

Crow: Surely Samuel can't afford to bribe child services for longer  
than that, right? Right??

 

> He may have won this time. But I will be back.  
>  
> Back where I belong.

Joel: With many apologies to MacArthur, the Governator, and all readers  
who've read this far.

 

\---Satellite of Love

Michael J. Nelson was wearing a three-piece suit instead of his  
typical jumpsuit. He was standing next to Tom Servo, who had on  
a girls' school uniform consisting of sailor suit and skirt. The  
spotlights illuminated both visages as music began to fill the SOL.

[Singing to the tune of America the Beautiful:]  
[Music can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/am.mid]  
A-mer-i-ca,  
for hide-a-beds,  
for daughters who o-bey!  
Through pageant shows  
and pri-vate school,  
you'll do just as I say!

America! America,  
You'll lis-ten to me well,  
Do what I say and things my way,  
Or I will ring your bell!

Tom wheeled to the right to face Mike and said, "Bah! Your sung  
entreaties have no effect on me! For I have my OWN song, locked in  
mortal combat!"

[Singing to the tune of O Canada:]  
[Music can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/cn.mid]  
O, bite me now...  
you're arr-o-gant-ly snide...  
You brought me here...  
despite how hard I cried!  
With tear-y face and wound-ed heart  
I curse God's cru-el trick,  
I'd transform into Sai-lor Mars  
if I could find my stick! 

You changed my name... to "Winslow" as well?!?  
Oh, Sam-u-el, I'll see you rot... in... hell,  
Oh, Sam-u-el I'll see you rot... in... hell!!

"Oh, you're asking for it, pal..." Mike insisted.

["America the Beautiful":]

You're not allowed  
To leave this place  
or chat to ov-er-seas...  
A-mer-i-ca  
Is your home now  
And I'm who you should please!

A-mer-i-ca, A-mer-i-ca,  
Up high should be your nose!  
Forsake your roots and raise your snoots  
'Cause ev-ry-where else blows!

"I can't believe you'd do such a thing!!" Tom sobbed...

["O Canada":]

I'll run a-way...  
to where my friends will be.  
Let's see you stop  
that plane on which is ME!  
With burst-ing pride I'll flip you off  
From twenty-thousand feet!  
Oh Sam-u-el, I won't be back  
No pageants will I meet!

"Oh... oh yeah, Raye?!" Mike said. "You're coming back with ME!"

"If I must..." Tom whimpered.

[still to "O Canada":]  
Please bind my wounds... kiss my boo-boo here.  
I hope Li-am... will want to elope next year.  
MayyyyBE Li-am... will want to elope next YEAR!!

"I knew it! I AM the winner! Bow to the king!" Mike crowed.

"Just a second, Mike. Joel and Crow are doing the dance-off  
in another five minutes. If Crow wins, then it's still a tie."

"D'oh! Oh wait, Evander Holyfield and Joey McIntyre are up..."

\---Deep Thirteen

"But Steve, I've already brought up as many of these Velvet Elvis  
paintings as you have. We're practically out of Nostalgia and we  
still have my extensive collection of Bud Light cans to sell!"

"Come on, Frank, we have to find willing buyers for these! I  
can't believe how much Nostalgia it takes to get this velvet crap  
through the door... especially after my "dogs playing poker" print  
needed half-a-bottle. Think we need to mix up some more?" Dr. F  
responded.

Frank panted. "But Dr. F... you know that the active ingredient  
is a huge helping of onions and we're also out of mothballs!  
Besides, liquefied suspension of disbelief doesn't come without a  
large helping of Milk of Magnesia..."

"Get hopping, Frank, there's still boxes and boxes of Osmonds and  
Jackson 5 records downstairs."

"Okay, Dr. F. Three gallons per record, coming up."

Dr. F chuckled, "And get the button while you're up, eh?"

\--POOF!-- 

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..." 

All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully  
appreciated and accepted at: zoogz@yahoo.com 

I enjoyed MSTing this 'fic and certainly hope that you, my reader,  
enjoyed reading the final efforts. This 'fic struck me as a Sailor  
Moon version of those angsty MST3k episodes such as "I Accuse My  
Parents" and "High School Big Shot", and MSTing the 'fic gave me many  
memories of both them and my old high school days.

There's still a slew of projects on tap for me to edit. They'll be  
out soon!

Special thanks to the author Laura-Grace whom I tried to contact  
but never received a reply. I hope you know that this was all in  
good fun and enjoyed all the jokes!

Thanks go to the group who MSTed "Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double  
Blitzkrieg Dilemma" for borrowing a concept or two.

I would like to offer special thanks to Megane 6.7 for riff  
suggestions, editing assistance and general support. His works and  
mine can be found at:

http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Recently, Megane 6.7 and I collaborated on both a new MSTing that he  
wrote called "12 Months and a Year", as well as a new Let's Play coming soon  
featuring humorous commentary on the game "Les Manley: Search for the King".

All this and more can be accessed at the recent projects page at  
A MSTing for All Seasons, which is at

http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent

Our Let's Plays and a few other videos can be acccessed at

https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67 

Also, check out Everything What Is Crap, formerly Shuuichi's Vault of  
Anime MSTings. Not only do they feature the same MSTings as before,  
there's also reviews and other neat stuff to check out! The webpage  
is:

http://svamcentral.org/ewic

Special Thanks:  
Teachers of America  
The Authors of the First Amendment  
American Cancer Society

 

> "Oh, and I suppose you don't have those type of things  
>back in demonic land?" Annette retorted.

 

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...


End file.
